Escape the Israel-Hamas Moral Matrix by Practicing Sonder

Practicing sonder can help us escape the moral matrix of what is “right” versus what is “wrong.” Learn how to apply this practice when engaging in dialogue about the Israel-Hamas War at work & beyond.

When I was in the altMBA program, I had to write about a topic I strongly support from the perspective of another person who strongly disagrees with me…

…and I had to argue why they were right!

The goal was to understand how empathy truly works. It was at the core of this assignment, and it is at the core of what it takes to lead inclusively.

I like big challenges, so I wrote about a recalcitrant CEO who didn’t want to prioritize building a workplace culture of belonging – a culture centered around safety and trust.

In the exercise, I wrote about a colleague, Dennis. If Dennis shared his perspective on the topic, here’s what he would likely say:

Hi, I’m Dennis and I lead a small business that I started over 30 years ago. Recently, my son Dan encouraged me to hire a consultant to help us “diversify” our leadership team.

I’m not convinced this is necessary, and I’m concerned about the time and cost. Dan, however, is insistent that this work is paramount to “remain relevant in our industry.”

While I’m not opposed to creating a more equal workplace, I do have an issue with giving people who haven’t put in the hard work “handouts.”

I mean, look at me. I grew up poor, worked my way through college, and when I couldn’t find work, I got resourceful & started my own business.

No one gave me a handout, and I wouldn’t accept one if they did.

At the end of the day, my company is a meritocracy. Respect the chain of command, maintain order, keep harmony with others, and you’ll go far with us. To me, that’s fair.

The Power of Sonder

This exercise was incredibly hard, yet it aligns with my core value of seeing the humanity in another person, even when I don’t agree with their world view.  

It taught me the importance of pausing, and getting curious to learn more about the perspectives of those who are not aligned with my own ideas and values.

To succeed at building a world where we feel seen, connected, and supported – the ingredients of belonging – we must be willing to explore and appreciate other people’s worldviews.

This exploration includes getting curious about the ideas and values of others who may be opposed to our own – particularly the ones we hold closest to our hearts.

Learning about another person’s worldview encourages us to practice sonder, the realization that each random person you pass is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Sonder reminds us that each person’s world is filled with their own ambitions, friends, fears, routines, joys, beliefs, and behaviors, and until we engage in a respectful dialogue…

…this rich inner world is 100% invisible to us.

With a business leader like Dennis, I can’t simply bear witness to his worldview and get defensive and come up with a false narrative about why he’s a terrible businessperson.

Escape the Moral Matrix

Instead, I need to flex my empathy muscles and practice sonder – the realization that Dennis’ worldview was shaped by the vivid and complex life that he leads.

Dennis shared his truth with us, and it’s important to validate his lived experiences. He did grow up poor, he did work his way through college, and he did experience job rejection.

He worked hard to build his company, and it meant the world to him. He remembers his own hard work, and believes his merit alone allowed him to advance.

Practicing sonder, I can escape the moral matrix of what is “right” versus what is “wrong” and really gain an appreciation for why Dennis is wired the way he is.

I certainly don’t agree with his worldview. He also holds a tremendous amount of power and privilege that he is willfully overlooking.

Yet, if I’m successful in understanding Dennis’ worldview, I can draw connections to his own story and share why building a culture of belonging is key to his company’s future successes.

Flex Your Empathy Muscles

The Israel-Hamas war has lured many of us into the moral matrix, where some may find ourselves fixating on which side is “right” and which side is “wrong” to justify mass death and destruction.

In this moment, we are called to flex our empathy muscles to help support ourselves, our families, our communities, and even our workplaces escape this moral matrix.

To build, strengthen, and flex our empathy muscles, practicing the following skills featured in Martha Beck’s powerful book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, may help:

1. Stillness. Did you know that the verbal part of your brain processes 40 bits of information per second, and the nonverbal part of your brain processes about 11 million bits of information per second? Slowing down, getting quiet, and simply being offers a powerful way to ignite the inner wisdom found within the nonverbal part of the brain. To begin practicing this skill, I highly recommend finding a quiet space, and dedicating 20 minutes to listen to this guided meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh.

2. Interdependence. No matter where you call home, or who is within your immediate inner circle of loved ones, science reveals that your consciousness is connected to other beings that you may falsely believe are completely unconnected to you. In this moment, our spirits are being crushed by this war’s violence and destruction, and it’s important to consider the role – large or small – you can play to end the violence. One simple action you can take is to begin educating yourself about the context, nuance, and complex history of this region that has led to war.

3. Imagination. When I was student at Notre Dame, I had a creative writing professor who once said, “From the moment you were born you were gifted with creative potential, and the moment you begin to express it sparks your ability to change the world.” When we connect with the world around us in a nonverbal state, we can begin tapping into that creative potential to achieve a level of problem solving that “feels like pure fun and looks like pure genius,” according to Martha Beck. This creative potential opens up new possibilities for dialogue across what seems to be intractable differences to honor the humanity of all involved.

4. Building. This final skill allows you to design the world in which you want to live in – it includes the moments, things, and actions you likely imagined when trying the first three skills. For example, in what feels like an intractable conflict in the Middle East, if you imagine a ceasefire and diplomacy being exercised to end the violence, destruction, and loss of life, this building skill can help transform your vision into reality. You can clearly see these actions as viable options, and you can begin sharing your vision with those within your sphere of influence to believe in alternatives to endless war and potential annihilation.

If you’re anything like me, you may feel tempted to move immediately to the “building” skill, and I caution you to slow down, and first connect with your nonverbal state of being.

Feelings of grief, despair, and overwhelm are natural when large scale tragedies like war arise. By getting still, we make the space necessary to notice where these feelings arise in our bodies.

This space offers a chance to connect to our inner feelings about this moment. It helps us become more present, and that presence helps us respond in an empathetic and loving way.  

Your Belonging Coach

As you practice these skills, I encourage you to consider the powerful wisdom of Esther Perel. She encourages us to exercise caution and avoid dehumanizing rhetoric.

To embody Esther Perel’s wisdom, make the time needed to reflect on the following questions:

1. How can you separate human beings from the policies of their governments and the actions of terrorists living among them?

2. Name one way you can amplify the complexity and nuance of the history and context that has led to today’s conflict.

3. How can you practice sonder to help recognize that grief and support for one side does not mean there is hatred or animosity for the other side?

4. What is the cost of disinformation and denial of loss on a mass level, and is there a simple action you can take to interrupt it when you see it arise in your inner circles?

5. How do you hold yourself accountable to avoid engaging in conversations online that you would never have with another person, face-to-face?

6. As you flex your empathy muscles, how can you begin imagining and building a world big enough for all to know that we belong to each other?

Please spend some time with these reflections, practice the skills offered by Martha Beck, listen to Thich Nhat Hanh’s meditation when needed, and share this message with others if you believe it can offer a source of support.

If you’d like to process this message with other likeminded changemakers, wayfinders, healers, and menders, then consider joining our Belonging Membership Community!

Thanks for growing our #BelongingMovement!